How to Survive Sadness

Image by Debaudh Majee from Pixabay

Time isn't afforded to us. It is a privilege to those willing to take it no matter the cost they pay. But I find my mind wandering and searching through vague thoughts that send radiating sadness down my spine. Looking at puddles of dirty water that still reflects me. Hardly a day goes by that I don't think about my former life. The good, bad and ugly memories spin and release film that sours my stomach yet brings joyful yet bitter tears to heavy lids. I will ring the bell of triumph and joy when freedom rings. These days I see much sun but the rays have failed to reach my heart. It beats for moments and times that are long gone. How do I fly above the circumstances that have grounded me? The peace that once comforted my soul has dwindled to a small glowing ember. I hold onto its warmth with both hands. My palms may burn but I grip it still. Praying the meager fire will grow and expand once again. In the depth of my despair, I pray that Jesus hears me. He is my comforter, protector and greatest friend. Time has never changed his love. His kind gestures remain the same. I will run towards the only salvation I know. This life is short but the struggle never gets old. Let my cries reach his open ears. Let my tears be wiped by his skilled hands. Let my hardened heart unfold and blossom like roses in the springtime. May each petal shine with the dew drops of sparkling hope renewed. 


Love always, Esha 

God is Shaping Me for Sunshine

Warning: These are my thoughts and feelings about my journey thus far.

As of late, I have endured one difficult situation after another. But one thought always creeps into my mind at moments like this... I remember that God will never give me more than I can bear and I know that He has made me to be a conqueror. So no matter what I face, I know that Jesus is mighty in battle therefore I already won.

For decades, I was under the belief that God forgot about me. That somehow the hard times were meant to return me into the dust from which I came. But it never occurred to me that the very things that I thought would kill me were only meant to smooth out my rough edges. There are areas in my soul that God wanted to take a sledgehammer to so that I could be used for His glory.

While I am in the middle of being formed into someone I couldn't become on my own I realize that... all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). Because I am stubborn but the changes that are happening in me are out of necessity. And I have to be okay with knowing that one day this will all make sense when I look over the totality of my life.

The hardest part about believing in God is trusting in Him completely. Yesterday, I felt like the world was out of whack. I looked in the mirror and questioned, how I could live a life that lacked stability? I wondered if I could survive without the presence of my wonderful Father and his witty yet crude remarks? Who am I without my Dad's 6 foot shadow towering over me and restricting my outlandish nature?

Relying on the unchanging hand God without the comfort of a patriarch to guide me is hard. Even though I see myself as an outspoken woman the truth is... I always had a strong male role model in my life. So I trusted in his judgement more than I should have at times. I ran to him for advice like a child running to an arcade game. Now I have no choice but to let go and let God.

My heavenly Father will have to replace the one I lost on earth. But life has taught me that there is no friend that can compare to Jesus. He died for me while I was in sin so I will live for Him. Despite the challenges, I encounter, my heart will endure as a result of my faith. In time, all the things that once made me cry will make me smile. And my crazy life story will become a testimony that encourages all those who wait for the break of a new dawn to rise in their bleak sky. Hopefully, I will lead people to remember that all children of God were made to shine. 

Love always, Esha <3

Ugly

The ugliness is only a part of the transformation. Because the beauty of change lies on the other side. If you keep on going. 

Best, Esha 

A Thank You to My Readers

I'm just gonna get it off my chest... My grandmother died last week. This is the third death I experienced in 10 months. First, my Father then my Auntie now this. So I stopped writing for a little over a week. I needed time to think. I needed time to take it all in. Ultimately, this grief has given me a new lease on life. But I needed to focus on something bigger than me and my worries and finally I found the spark to keep going. It's all my readers, God and laughter. 

I want to thank you all for supporting my dream and reading my work. You make this all worth it for me and I am eternally grateful. The craziness of unplanned shock melts into the scenery. Like warm chocolate easing into a cup of milk that turns sweet and brown whenever you click like on a post or follow my blog. You're the best. 

There are times when I come close to forgetting why I started this blog in the first place. I began this journey because I wanted an outlet to express myself. And most importantly, I wanted to encourage all those who frequented this website. Underneath every rock is a whole new world. As a child, I used to lift up rocks. I was always shocked to discover that worms, snails, ants, moss and other insects resided in the cool weight of their heavy gray bodies. 

How could anything thrive under a rock I would think? Many of us have spent our lives carrying around boulders but instead of being crushed by them we learned how to survive. And in that vein I intend to find a way out from under the monolith of mourning. As I do so, I would like to inspire you all to pound your slab of rock into gravel so you won't have to live underneath it anymore. 

Love always, Esha <3

Rusty Pennies

Image by Ely Penner from Pixabay

In the course of life, you interact with people. Hold hands, join in laughter, cry together in moments of pain. Some connections last forever, others are reduced to a brief yet memorable moment in time. Yet some individuals are utterly forgotten like copper pennies rusting at the bottom of the sea. The blue salty water floats over their memory. But the truth remains the same. So you go through life with a vague, distant memory of a familiar face you once knew. 


Love always, Esha 

Pray For Me

 

Image by michel kwan from Pixabay 

Touch this heart of mine so my eyes can see a little better. Make the burdens that held down my wings light as feathers. And if I break down again hold me together. I feel the pulsating water that flows slowly underneath thick ice. Though I try I can't sleep at night. My heart cries out for healing that my spirit needs. I desire to be joyful. In the bedrock of my anguish, I desire to be free. Hold my hand as I grip onto the hope of living word. Let the Father's will be done. In the meantime, pray for me. 


Love always, Esha 

Unknown Place

You bring me back to a familiar yet unknown place. It's the breath of you. The movement of your steady words. The feel of your uneasy truth. The way you calm the riffs in the cliff of my soul.

Hold me... till I can no longer let go. Because I run from the feeling of love. And I clamor at the stoop of rejection. There is no hope at the end of a rope that burns tender palms. But you keep on pulling me back in. Telling me that I can't get through a difficult situation without breaking a little.

You treat my wounds with aloe and salve. Then wrap my hands with bandages and gauze, covered in hope. Telling me that I'm one of your chosen that despite my faults I am loved beyond measure. That my heart is an oasis and my time is treasured... And that's why I call you my redeemer. 



Love always, Esha