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| Photo by Isom Jacobs |
I need to believe there’s something more to this life. That I wasn’t born to suffer and remain misunderstood and mistreated as a result. Taking repeated glances in the mirror has shown me that I am a quirky, impulsive, witty, socially awkward, quick talking woman but with all my imperfections… I desire to be someone worth loving.
I have been trying to fix myself for so long. It probably started back in 5th grade. I didn’t want to be teased anymore. People constantly called me an oreo (black on the outside, white on the inside) so I tried to speak slang and I changed my clothes. Nevertheless, it didn’t help and I felt stupid for trying so hard. Because I wasn’t being honest with myself.
In my soul, I just keep praying that God made me for a purpose greater than I could ever imagine. Because the thought of being some science experiment gone wrong is painful to me. And the hard part is knowing that this world revolves around concepts I can't understand like social media, picture filters and perfectionism. Sometimes, I'm a little jacked up but my mission to improve myself has always revolved around being health conscious, spiritually aware and mentally stable. Sometimes, I look out among the sea of people and I wonder… where do I belong? Ever since my Dad died and I ended my 3 year relationship, I’ve been questioning everything.
Honestly, my Father is the only man that ever loved me or made me feel like I matter in this world. But now it feels like I’m discovering who I am all over again. Because so much of who I am as a person was tied into my relationship with my Dad. No matter what I did or how much I irritated him he was always so happy to see me.
I can still remember all the piggyback rides he gave me. When I turned 10 years old, he told me I was getting too big to ride his back. I cried for days. I was so upset that I couldn’t be his baby girl anymore until he made it clear that I would always be his little girl. Where did the time go? And who am I without my Dad? Will a man that I care for ever love me unconditionally the way my Father did?
I’m taking things one day at a time. I could fill an ocean with all the tears I’ve cried. I’m falling apart on the inside. But I can’t help but to think that this is part of the healing process. It would be easier to apply some crazy glue and put myself back together again. If I could just tape up my heart and attach all the things I lost in the course of losing my best friend I would be okay. But the truth is my journey to discovering who I am started long before travesty hit my life like a F5 tornado.
The truth is… I’m not broken. I’m different. And maybe I’ll never fit in but I’m going to try and find the way that’s predestined for me. Because even if I never figure everything out I know that I have a Father in heaven that loves me very very much. I hope everyone reading this knows that they are fearfully and wonderfully made. Keep the faith and never let a little bit of shade block your sunshine.
Love always, Esha
