God is Shaping Me for Sunshine

Warning: These are my thoughts and feelings about my journey thus far.

As of late, I have endured one difficult situation after another. But one thought always creeps into my mind at moments like this... I remember that God will never give me more than I can bear and I know that He has made me to be a conqueror. So no matter what I face, I know that Jesus is mighty in battle therefore I already won.

For decades, I was under the belief that God forgot about me. That somehow the hard times were meant to return me into the dust from which I came. But it never occurred to me that the very things that I thought would kill me were only meant to smooth out my rough edges. There are areas in my soul that God wanted to take a sledgehammer to so that I could be used for His glory.

While I am in the middle of being formed into someone I couldn't become on my own I realize that... all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). Because I am stubborn but the changes that are happening in me are out of necessity. And I have to be okay with knowing that one day this will all make sense when I look over the totality of my life.

The hardest part about believing in God is trusting in Him completely. Yesterday, I felt like the world was out of whack. I looked in the mirror and questioned, how I could live a life that lacked stability? I wondered if I could survive without the presence of my wonderful Father and his witty yet crude remarks? Who am I without my Dad's 6 foot shadow towering over me and restricting my outlandish nature?

Relying on the unchanging hand God without the comfort of a patriarch to guide me is hard. Even though I see myself as an outspoken woman the truth is... I always had a strong male role model in my life. So I trusted in his judgement more than I should have at times. I ran to him for advice like a child running to an arcade game. Now I have no choice but to let go and let God.

My heavenly Father will have to replace the one I lost on earth. But life has taught me that there is no friend that can compare to Jesus. He died for me while I was in sin so I will live for Him. Despite the challenges, I encounter, my heart will endure as a result of my faith. In time, all the things that once made me cry will make me smile. And my crazy life story will become a testimony that encourages all those who wait for the break of a new dawn to rise in their bleak sky. Hopefully, I will lead people to remember that all children of God were made to shine. 

Love always, Esha <3

Ugly

The ugliness is only a part of the transformation. Because the beauty of change lies on the other side. If you keep on going. 

Best, Esha 

A Thank You to My Readers

I'm just gonna get it off my chest... My grandmother died last week. This is the third death I experienced in 10 months. First, my Father then my Auntie now this. So I stopped writing for a little over a week. I needed time to think. I needed time to take it all in. Ultimately, this grief has given me a new lease on life. But I needed to focus on something bigger than me and my worries and finally I found the spark to keep going. It's all my readers, God and laughter. 

I want to thank you all for supporting my dream and reading my work. You make this all worth it for me and I am eternally grateful. The craziness of unplanned shock melts into the scenery. Like warm chocolate easing into a cup of milk that turns sweet and brown whenever you click like on a post or follow my blog. You're the best. 

There are times when I come close to forgetting why I started this blog in the first place. I began this journey because I wanted an outlet to express myself. And most importantly, I wanted to encourage all those who frequented this website. Underneath every rock is a whole new world. As a child, I used to lift up rocks. I was always shocked to discover that worms, snails, ants, moss and other insects resided in the cool weight of their heavy gray bodies. 

How could anything thrive under a rock I would think? Many of us have spent our lives carrying around boulders but instead of being crushed by them we learned how to survive. And in that vein I intend to find a way out from under the monolith of mourning. As I do so, I would like to inspire you all to pound your slab of rock into gravel so you won't have to live underneath it anymore. 

Love always, Esha <3