My Truth: Flaws and All

Photo by Isom Jacobs

I need to believe there’s something more to this life. That I wasn’t born to suffer and remain misunderstood and mistreated as a result. Taking repeated glances in the mirror has shown me that I am a quirky, impulsive, witty, socially awkward, quick talking woman but with all my imperfections… I desire to be someone worth loving.

I have been trying to fix myself for so long. It probably started back in 5th grade. I didn’t want to be teased anymore. People constantly called me an oreo (black on the outside, white on the inside) so I tried to speak slang and I changed my clothes. Nevertheless, it didn’t help and I felt stupid for trying so hard. Because I wasn’t being honest with myself.

In my soul, I just keep praying that God made me for a purpose greater than I could ever imagine. Because the thought of being some science experiment gone wrong is painful to me. And the hard part is knowing that this world revolves around concepts I can't understand like social media, picture filters and perfectionism. Sometimes, I'm a little jacked up but my mission to improve myself has always revolved around being health conscious, spiritually aware and mentally stable.  Sometimes, I look out among the sea of people and I wonder… where do I belong? Ever since my Dad died and I ended my 3 year relationship, I’ve been questioning everything. 

Honestly, my Father is the only man that ever loved me or made me feel like I matter in this world. But now it feels like I’m discovering who I am all over again. Because so much of who I am as a person was tied into my relationship with my Dad. No matter what I did or how much I irritated him he was always so happy to see me.

I can still remember all the piggyback rides he gave me. When I turned 10 years old, he told me I was getting too big to ride his back. I cried for days. I was so upset that I couldn’t be his baby girl anymore until he made it clear that I would always be his little girl. Where did the time go? And who am I without my Dad? Will a man that I care for ever love me unconditionally the way my Father did?

I’m taking things one day at a time. I could fill an ocean with all the tears I’ve cried. I’m falling apart on the inside. But I can’t help but to think that this is part of the healing process. It would be easier to apply some crazy glue and put myself back together again. If I could just tape up my heart and attach all the things I lost in the course of losing my best friend I would be okay. But the truth is my journey to discovering who I am started long before travesty hit my life like a F5 tornado.

The truth is… I’m not broken. I’m different. And maybe I’ll never fit in but I’m going to try and find the way that’s predestined for me. Because even if I never figure everything out I know that I have a Father in heaven that loves me very very much. I hope everyone reading this knows that they are fearfully and wonderfully made. Keep the faith and never let a little bit of shade block your sunshine.

Love always, Esha

Cautious

Be cautious, high voltage.

Maybe rude

Maybe kind

Snap off without notice

Then act like everything’s fine

Sincere eyes tucked behind a wise grin

Never know if you’ll see them again

They’re rare like hitting the lottery

Fickled like catching the wind

Stepping out every so often

To feel the sand in-between loose toes

To laugh at past mistakes

To blow kisses out the car window

But they disappear with the arrival of snow

When the birds return

Love blooms with the scents of spring

And their ambitions soar on feathered wings

But until then be cautious

Love always, Esha

Unexpected

I can't see you sometimes. So I feel around for the shape of your face. I sniff the breeze for the scent of your cologne. I lay soft intent to raw feelings in hopes of finding you somewhere among the clouds. My heart moves before my thoughts and I'm thinking out loud. But I am the midst in a broken town looking for the breath of you. Until I realize that a vulnerable dreamer should never look for love. It comes like rain and falls when you least expect it. So accept thee unexpected. 


Love always, Esha <3

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Unseen Love

It matters not what direction the wind blows. I feel it still. I don't need to see it. It knocks me off stable soles. It brings a quake to uneasy knees. It is the sound of humming birds soaring against a lively breeze. I don't need to see it to believe. Love is the same as faith. It remains unseen.

Love always, Esha <3

Peace

Thankful is an understatement when you’ve seen the light at the end of the tunnel. All the darkness you’ve been through falls away. The expectation of kindness is returned to its rightful place. And peace returns to dreams unbridled by fervent passion.

Love always, Esha

Poetry In the Storm: My Prayer

I read this poem to my Father on his death bed. He always loved hearing my poetry and I loved being his daughter. This is a poem for anyone who has lost someone very dear to their heart. 

My Prayer

Y’all don’t understand, 

I’m gonna pray till the mercy falls down from heaven 

Like misty, silky rain

I looked the angel of death in its eye

Still, I call on the Lord o my soul

I see Your glory even now

Hear me in the depth 

And the solitude of my despair

Let the words from my humble, cracked, tear covered lips 

Touch your ear

Pull me in once again

Bring me near! 

Hold me close

You created the moon

You gave formation to stars

You are higher than mountains, 

Your son walked on water

Your holiness bestows love on the loveless

You see the heart of man and you touch it still

You anoint those who seek you diligently

I kneel before the throne

I beseech you for mercy 

And blessings beyond understanding

Let a miracle be done 

So I can carry the good news to all those I meet

Y’all don’t understand, 

I’m gonna pray till the mercy falls down from heaven 

Like misty, silky rain

Love always, Esha 

Growing With Change

A turquoise view through painted glass

Exists for me and you

Look out the window

Icy wind blows,

The hooting and howling

Can be heard down the block

Where the sidewalk is slick

And men move like serpents

Whispering into open ears

Begging to be closer

Utilizing deception to be near

Mahogany branches sway on mighty trees here

But never leave, bark keeps them rooted

Till their presence is cut off

Time passes…

But the plants remain the same

Not affected by snow

Doused by the rain

Maintaining and growing

Even when the world undergoes change

Rings etched into the base like hopeful reminders

Of a future ever blooming

Love always, Esha

My Flesh

this flesh,

my flesh is soft, succulent and brown

a hue passed down

from my Grandpappy

it’s moisture maintained by shea butter

these are the lips

that gave sweet dreams to dry eyes

full and shiny like the sunrise

hands that cradled

water from many streams

used to toil, eager to clean

these are the fingers

that knitted woven things

this flesh,

my flesh is soft, succulent and brown

a hue passed down

from my Grandpappy

but sometimes it betrays me

cute can turn angry with no food

it cries out:

feed me before i turn rude

always wanting what it can’t have

trading in the desires of the heart

for all the shortcuts that make the spirit sad

it specializes in hiding the good

within a shell of bad

elastic

like a rubber band

it snaps back

tighter than spandex jeans

but when wrinkles do come…

my skin will wear it

as a badge of honor

come and see

the signs of a life well lived

look at the temple that gave

and still gives

this flesh is my flesh

and it is what it is

Love always, Esha

Waiting in Faith

We live with the hope of awakening to the sight of better things. I know the power of the unseen. Everyday, we sow a precious mustard seed. Faith makes our hearts full. Prayer makes our gardens lush and green. Sometimes the blessings lie in waiting.




Love always, Esha <3