How to Survive Sadness

Image by Debaudh Majee from Pixabay

Time isn't afforded to us. It is a privilege to those willing to take it no matter the cost they pay. But I find my mind wandering and searching through vague thoughts that send radiating sadness down my spine. Looking at puddles of dirty water that still reflects me. Hardly a day goes by that I don't think about my former life. The good, bad and ugly memories spin and release film that sours my stomach yet brings joyful yet bitter tears to heavy lids. I will ring the bell of triumph and joy when freedom rings. These days I see much sun but the rays have failed to reach my heart. It beats for moments and times that are long gone. How do I fly above the circumstances that have grounded me? The peace that once comforted my soul has dwindled to a small glowing ember. I hold onto its warmth with both hands. My palms may burn but I grip it still. Praying the meager fire will grow and expand once again. In the depth of my despair, I pray that Jesus hears me. He is my comforter, protector and greatest friend. Time has never changed his love. His kind gestures remain the same. I will run towards the only salvation I know. This life is short but the struggle never gets old. Let my cries reach his open ears. Let my tears be wiped by his skilled hands. Let my hardened heart unfold and blossom like roses in the springtime. May each petal shine with the dew drops of sparkling hope renewed. 


Love always, Esha 

God is Shaping Me for Sunshine

Warning: These are my thoughts and feelings about my journey thus far.

As of late, I have endured one difficult situation after another. But one thought always creeps into my mind at moments like this... I remember that God will never give me more than I can bear and I know that He has made me to be a conqueror. So no matter what I face, I know that Jesus is mighty in battle therefore I already won.

For decades, I was under the belief that God forgot about me. That somehow the hard times were meant to return me into the dust from which I came. But it never occurred to me that the very things that I thought would kill me were only meant to smooth out my rough edges. There are areas in my soul that God wanted to take a sledgehammer to so that I could be used for His glory.

While I am in the middle of being formed into someone I couldn't become on my own I realize that... all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). Because I am stubborn but the changes that are happening in me are out of necessity. And I have to be okay with knowing that one day this will all make sense when I look over the totality of my life.

The hardest part about believing in God is trusting in Him completely. Yesterday, I felt like the world was out of whack. I looked in the mirror and questioned, how I could live a life that lacked stability? I wondered if I could survive without the presence of my wonderful Father and his witty yet crude remarks? Who am I without my Dad's 6 foot shadow towering over me and restricting my outlandish nature?

Relying on the unchanging hand God without the comfort of a patriarch to guide me is hard. Even though I see myself as an outspoken woman the truth is... I always had a strong male role model in my life. So I trusted in his judgement more than I should have at times. I ran to him for advice like a child running to an arcade game. Now I have no choice but to let go and let God.

My heavenly Father will have to replace the one I lost on earth. But life has taught me that there is no friend that can compare to Jesus. He died for me while I was in sin so I will live for Him. Despite the challenges, I encounter, my heart will endure as a result of my faith. In time, all the things that once made me cry will make me smile. And my crazy life story will become a testimony that encourages all those who wait for the break of a new dawn to rise in their bleak sky. Hopefully, I will lead people to remember that all children of God were made to shine. 

Love always, Esha <3

The World Turns...

Listen to Hope Speaks Episode 9 on Spotify 

Image by PIRO4D 

The world is every turning. Society moves and sways with the tides and rises with the waves. But it never thinks of the soul. The things that fall outside of it's influence. The pressure that makes young hearts grow old. But those who know don't speak and those that don't know are quick to respond. Making up policies that fail to help the community. Ignoring the necessities of those who are in pain. Calling the wise crazy and driving those who follow along insane. All the while, the world is steady turning on an axis fit to bend. Those who can't make it work break. While those who find a way are able to survive. Sometimes it takes knowledge to keep your faith alive. Knowing that the power doesn't come from the world. It comes from the Spirit within. Because the battle isn't won until the outcome is revealed at the end. So keep pressing on. Only the foolish relay on the strength of those who appear strong. That's why I'm never afraid to walk alone. 



Love always, Esha